The Tangled Web of Modern America
by Don Alexander

You have heard the statement, "Oh, what tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." According to a New York Times article, June 7, 1996, "What a tangled web we weave; we all practice to deceive." The article continues by stating that, "…ninety-one percent confess that they regularly don’t tell the truth. Twenty percent admit they can’t get through a day without conscious, premeditated white lies." It suggests that American society has moved from the age when "a man’s word was his bond" to one in which "...people are more accepting than ever before of exaggerations, falsifications, fabrications, misstatements, misrepresentations, gloss-overs, quibbles, concoctions, equivocations, shuffles, prevarications, trims and truth colored and varnished." (Quoted in Laura Schlessinger and Stewart Vogel’s book, The Ten Commandments: The Significance of God’s Law in Everyday Life)

Behaviors usually reflect what words express. Both behaviors and words are demonstrations of one’s values and what is important to an individual. So, friendships, fidelity in marriages, and cohesion in families, honorable business relationships, honor in communities and governments all suffer in a society in which one’s word and one’s behavior do not arise from a sense of fidelity, trustworthiness, and loyalty. As the Psalmist states, "Help, Lord, for the faithful are no more; the faithful have vanished from among men. Everyone lies to his neighbor; their flattering lips speak with deception" (Psalm 12:1-2).

WHAT IS "FIDELITY"?

"Fidelity" is what the Pharisees in Jesus’ day lacked (Matthew 23:23), what the Holy Spirit develops in Christians as "fruit" (Galatians 5:22), and what mature Christians become (Titus 2:10-14). Taking all the concepts involved from Webster’s Dictionary and the thesaurus Family Word Finder, we have a working definition of "fidelity": "devotion, loyalty, faithfulness, adherence, constancy, true-heartedness, trustworthiness, integrity, honesty, truthfulness, probity, honor, allegiance, sincerity, good faith, earnestness." Sometimes it is used to mean: "accuracy, exactness, exactitude, faithfulness, correspondency, adherence to fact, closeness, precision, reliability." The Latin word "fides," "trust," faith" and the related "fidelis," "faithful" gives us several other words: affiance, fiancé, affidavit, confide, confidence, confidential, infidel, and infidelity.

In the New Testament the word pistis or pistos is used most often to express "faith", "trustworthiness," "reliable", "faithful." As Thayer says concerning pistos: "Fidelity, the character of one who can be trusted, relied on." Honor doesn’t exist where one’s character is not reliable or faithful with integrity. Promises and oaths are worthless if their words are less than reliable. Contracts, secret confidences, entrusted duties, and obedience to the rule of law in society fail if the individuals involved are not "faithful," "trustworthy." Marriages and family relations, dealings with neighbors, working with employers, and signing documents of importance suffer defeat without "fidelity."

To make the case for "fidelity," the Word of God emphasizes a foundation put down by God and the things of God which are "faithful": God Himself (I Cor. 1:9); Jesus Christ, the Son (Revelation 1:5;3:14); the words of the Scripture (I Tim. 2:11); servants of God (II Tim. 2:2); one who would be saved (Heb. 11:5; John 8:24). These are but a few of the many scriptures in the New Testament, not even considering the Old Testament, to show that in God’s world, FIDELITY COUNTS! Can you imagine if you could not depend on God keeping His promises to you? Or if Jesus was not faithful to the will of the Father in dying on the cross? Or the Holy Spirit not revealing the truth of God in the Word as instructed to do? Or the chosen apostles not being true to the Word of God revealed to them in their teaching, preaching, and writing it for us? Or early Christians not living as faithful examples for us to follow as they followed Jesus? Where would we be without the faithful God who provides constancy and reliability (James 1:17)?

We must live in God’s world of trustworthiness and faithfulness in order to please Him. It is also the best way to live because it avoids "tangled webs" of deceit and provides for wholesome relationships with God and others. Throughout the Bible the point is made that our relationships of faithfulness toward others is directly dependent on our faithfulness to our Creator (Romans 1:16-ff; Deuteronomy 6:1ff; Matthew 22:34-40). Our business relationships are to be faithful based our faithfulness to God (Ephesians 4:28f). Our domestic relationships are to be faithful based directly on our faithfulness to God (Ephesians 5-6; Colossians 3:1-4:6). Let’s get to work on the fidelity of marriage relations with these thoughts in mind, for it is in this area that our culture seeks to defeat us through Satan’s influences. But fidelity counts with God!

"Will you have this woman to your wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her, so long as you both shall live?"

"Will you have this man to your wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor, and keep him in sickness, and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep yourself only to him, so long as you both shall live?"

"Will you join your right hands as a pledge of your fidelity to each other?"

Sound familiar? "Just words" or "vows" before God with the seriousness of fidelity enjoined on each party in marriage? When God made the union of man and woman he designed the relationship as a "cleaving" unto each other (Genesis 2:24-25). They were "joined" and no man was to "sever" their bond (Matthew 19:4-6). They were joined as long as they lived (Romans 7:1-3). Infidelity pollutes what is a sacred joining and breaks a covenant God recognizes as binding.

This is the kind of material not often portrayed in the entertainment media. Michael Medved, highly regarded media critic, in his book Hollywood vs. America, writes:

"Another key element in the entertainment industry’s attack on the family involves its relentlessly negative portrayal of marital relationships. In Hollywood’s view of the world, marriage is an institution that is outmoded, oppressive, and frequently dangerous" (page 122).

The glamorization of adultery and infidelity in marriage has made what God considers "honorable" (Hebrews 13:1-4) into a staid and boring matter. An article by Katie Roiphe in New York Times Magazine, October 12, 1997, referenced in The Ten Commandments: The Significance of God’s Law in Everyday Life, stated,

"...we’ve grown much more tolerant of adultery, at least when it comes to women. Women’s magazines practically recommend it to their readers as a fun and healthy activity, like buying a new lipstick, or vacationing in the Caribbean. In Elle we read that ‘an affair can be a sexual recharging, an escape from a worn-out relation- ship, a way into something better.’ Harper’s Bazaar breathlessly tells us about women whose ‘marriages are improved by their affairs. Because they get their fill of rapture elsewhere, these wives are not apt to complain or nag or find fault with their husband.’ If a woman has an adulterous affair, she is, according to Harper’s Bazaar, ‘asserting her femininity."

In addition to the culture’s glamorizing adultery, it has also made lying about it no big deal. Think back on our country’s recent heartache when a President was impeached. Some said, "Adultery is a private matter. . . He only lied about it to protect himself as all men do when they have affairs...It’s nobody’s business but his and hers...It isn’t adultery or sexual sinning if complete intercourse is not engaged in...It isn’t perjury to lie about a personal affair under oath...It’s only about sex." Lying comes out of the same attitude of infidelity that adultery does. When God instructed Israel about their spiritual and ethical conduct, He said, "You shall not commit adultery..." and also, "You shall not bear false witness..." and also, "You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife..." (Exodus 20:1-17). Their fidelity to Him (vv. 1-3) would be the springboard for fidelity to neighbor. When a marital partner commits adultery, sexual infidelity, and lies about it, one sin has been committed—infidelity toward God (Romans 1:17-ff)—with two sins against neighbor, adultery and lying. To "have sex" with someone outside of marriage, whether married or not, is sinful. All the parsing of words do not matter. "All things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do." (Hebrews 4:13).

God intended from the beginning of creation that "one man for one woman" in a committed, monogamous relationship bound by a covenant with each other would be the best way to live and supply the human needs we have. When one reads Genesis 1:18; 2:18-25; Hebrews 13:4; Ephesians 5:22-33; I Corinthians 7:1ff one cannot help but be impressed with the fact that the following needs are supplied in marriage:

1. Companionship

2. Mutual fulfillment of needs

3. Love expressed in a trusting, committed relation

4. Fulfillment of sexual needs in the way God approved

5. Forming a basis for family and society to live orderly before God VULNERABILITY TO INFIDELITY

The Bible says that when Satan tempts us to sin, he does so using our own lusts, or desires (James 1). We become vulnerable when our desire exceeds that which is lawful before God to do and, just as Cain in his rage of jealousy, "sin lies at the door"(Genesis 4:7). Those who are married before God can become vulnerable to temptation and sin if their lusts are not held in check. In working with couples for many years and especially in the last ten years, I have seen the following seven vulnerability factors to infidelity in marriage endanger and often wreck a home that God could have used for His cause. And, sadly, many within the church of the Lord have fallen prey to these.

1. Uncertain Fidelity to God’s Will—Without a framework, buildings collapse. So do personalities, marriages, families, nations. God is the Great Designer not only of the universe, but also of marriage and family relations. Listen to Him in His Word (Psalm 127:1-3). Let His ethics be your guide. Commit to His limits. God nowhere sanctioned unbridled lust but everywhere condemns and warns against it. It keeps behavior in check. Without it, we are mere animals satisfying urges of the moment. God desires that His people commit to producing the "fruit of the Spirit" in their hearts and lives which is opposite the "works of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16-24). We need to submit to God’s will in marriage and divorce limitations as well (Matthew 19:1-9).

2. Binding the Marriage By Materialism—Couples and families whose strongest ties are their bank accounts or their boats, or their houses, or their summer cabin, or their trips, realize in the hard times of life that these are props for life, but can never fill the heart spiritually, psychologically, emotionally. How many times can you have "Kodak moments" of the latest toy without wondering "Is this all we have?" Most couples divorce after enough time has gone by to acquire possessions.

3. Emotional Immaturity or Conflict—If one enters into marriage merely for the personal benefit obtained, that marriage is doomed. Self-centeredness, dictatorial, demanding, pouting attitudes will cause the marriage to be vulnerable. So will conflict. Conflict is inevitable in a way because two people with two minds make a marriage. But it should be resolved where possible and not allowed to divide (I Cor. 7:1-5). Low tolerance for illness or bad times, or having unrealistic expectations for exciting marital bliss at all times puts too much of a strain on the marriage and can cause the emotional immature to look elsewhere for fulfillment. Emotional immaturity that looks to others for approval other than one’s mate will be a setup for marital infidelity emotionally if not physically.

4. Withdrawing from Communication—When marital partners quarrel and do not resolve their differences they stack up. It is better to use lumber to build a house than to stack it up so that the rats and snakes can live in it. If one spouse feels that "I can’t ever talk to you", that spouse is vulnerable to being drawn to another with whom he/she can talk. Using anger to control one’s mate will break trust as well as the heart.

5. Lack of Honesty in the Marriage—If as God intended the "two become one flesh," then they should be together in knowledge about the various elements of their relationship. Openness in finances, schedules, friendships, the past before the marriage, these all will help a couple feel closer. The cultural view of "don’t disclose everything" even if an affair has occurred is misguided and expresses a dim view of fidelity toward God and each other.

6. Fantasizing About Others—Jesus warned about "looking. . . to lust after. . ." (Matthew 5:27-32). Contrary to the popular view that "It’s OK to look but don’t touch" ignores the power of Jesus’ warning and the power of the mind to visualize sin. "Joining oneself" to someone else is a sin against God and one’s mate (I Corinthians 6:15-20). Pornography is a powerful vehicle to train the mind to visualize sins of lust. Once trained, the eye and the mind can easily fantasize and visualize sexual sin with someone at work, a friend, a neighbor, a TV character. God said each spouse has an "obligation" to each other (I Cor. 7:1-ff) which fantasizing ignores. Fantasies can become strong drivers to actual experience. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks..."(Matthew 15:19). Jesus taught that "adulteries and fornications" come from the heart.

7. Inappropriate Behaviors with Those of the Opposite Sex—Husbands and wives should have an understanding and agreement in the matter of how to relate to those of the opposite sex. Even "Dr. Laura", national radio host and adviser lists some inappropriate behaviors that become demands for freedom by the spouse who wants to engage in them. She lists these as sore points in the marriage:

1. Frequent lunches or dinners

2. Private telephone conversations

3. Solo car-pooling

4. E-mail interludes

5. Intimate, frequent gifts

6. Trips out of town

7. Discussions of marital problems or intimacies

8. Socializing alone with introductions to the children

She also speaks of "rationalizing behaviors" of those who did not check their lust at the door, acted on their vulnerability and tried to rationalize their adultery:

1. "I love my wife and children and do not want a divorce, so it is better that I have an affair for the sake of my family."

2. "My husband is not fulfilling me sexually, so it is okay to find sexual satisfaction instead of divorcing my husband."

3. "I think my husband is being unfaithful, so there is nothing wrong with me having an affair."

4. "I wasn’t looking for an affair – it just happened."

5. "We are soul mates."

6. "I have needs my spouse can’t fulfill."

7. "I thought I was in love when I married—but this is really the real thing."

8. "I’ve been under a lot of stress."

9. "She/he really understands me."

What a "tangled web" we weave.

GET OUT OF YOURSELF AND GO TO YOUR MATE!

Marriage takes work to be successful. The following are some suggestions:

1. Set mutual goals for the duration that are behavioral, realistic, and achievable.

2. Express appreciation to each other regularly.

3. Spend a lot of time together, and time in prayer

4. Work hard keeping lines of communication open.

5. Express your commitment to each other without reservation.

6. Set aside some time each week to discuss areas of weakness, and commit to change.

7. Share your fears as well as your hopes.

8. Let down the walls of resentment, wipe the slate clean at the end of each day.

9. Love your spouse by active good-will behaviors whether he/she deserves them or not.

10. Let 98% of the things you are irritated by go, completely go. Discuss the rest.

11. Don’t be looking around for greener pastures. There are not greener pastures.

12. Share your devotion to God by talk , study, prayer, singing.

13. Develop special rituals that enhance your friendship.

14. Don’t be afraid to discuss sexuality with your spouse.

15. Realize that you are be faithful to something God designed and thereby are showing your fidelity to Him as well.

16. Talk to your kids about your love of their mother/father.

17. Love yourself last!

So sad are those who thought "stolen waters are sweet" but how happy are those who drink "water out of your own cistern" in marital love. Subtle are the devices Satan uses to undermine fidelity in marriage. But we destroy our soul and the souls of others when our lives are characterized by infidelity in daily life. No woman, no man, no career, no increased income by sinful ways is so fulfilling that it is more valuable than eternal life with God and the faithful of all ages (Heb. 12:1-ff). Please think about it, brother or sister. Think: "What will God think of this action? What will this do to my family, my wife and children? What will this do to the church for which Jesus died? When our initial passion is fulfilled, where will I be and how will I survive in my soul, heart, and life?" Think and pray. Think long and hard. Pray even harder. Think…Think…Think. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

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